loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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