um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize