So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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