so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
