two words: eviction party
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
