I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
