If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
