my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
