I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
