pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I cannot find my penis.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
