I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
