I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
