did you get engaged???
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
