i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
