Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
