listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
