I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Randomize
