you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
