Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
