Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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