I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
