It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize