If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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