My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
