literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
