We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
