I just found puke in my bra..
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
