I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
