My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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