You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
