Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize