theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
