I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
