New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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