phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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