Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
