Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
