He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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