my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
