I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
