Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
