i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Don't tell me you're on acid again
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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