I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
