My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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