Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
there's paper in my vomit.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize