I seem to have left my pride at pride
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
