She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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