Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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