this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
