During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
