Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
