i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
