I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
