I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just sent this text using only my big toe
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
