if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
everyone is single if you try hard enough
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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