Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
