all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
