I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
