Already got asked if we're dating
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
