Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize