Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
