So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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