someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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