I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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